It was been a habit around here to dedicate the child on his 1st birthday because it was economical for parents to prepare and held only one reception in span of one year.

Well, it was a year ago when we visited my younger cousin in the hospital after giving birth to her first child, it was a joyful occasion because her daughter was the first grandchild of her parents when two of her older siblings were already married but no child yet, and with less than a year this younger cousin gave birth to their second child which is a son.

Anyway, today is my younger cousin’s daughter 1st birthday and dedication, their house is about 300 meters away.  Most of their visitors are just relatives and the church people, they really prepared for the celebration because they have plenty of food and the reception was decorated well.

After eating, kids and kids at heart went busy getting the balloons decorated around the reception, I took one in a shape of a pretzel.

It was All Saints Day yesterday, and we went to the cemetery late afternoon to visit departed relatives. When I asked for candles I was told to get in the stock room but I blurted out that they were quite thick since I will wait for them to melt before going home, so my mother suggested to bring the pink ones instead which are smaller and thin. We brought orchids too and just add fern flowers to make it like a bouquet.

The cemetery wasn’t busy like the previous years, at the facade there are people giving 2016 calendars courtesy of funeral life plan company.  Along the busy narrow path, was surprised when someone bumped on me and say “Oi” it turns out our cousins and their parents they were already going home. I wasn’t looking at people that’s why I didn’t notice them.

When we arrived at our relatives tomb (grandfather, uncles, cousin and other older relatives) nobody is around anymore, was told that our grandmother and aunt went to my great grandfather’s tombstone. We lit the candles I brought but since it is windy, the fire keeps dying. We also lit the candles that were left and didn’t melt fully, and even the candle my sister found in the ground.

Guess what, I brought the smaller and thin candles so they will melt easily but they melt very slowly which my mother and sister laughingly says our grandfather maybe is punishing me on what I did, bringing the pink candles.  I offered silent prayer while looking after the candles, the calendar that was given at the facade of the cemetery became useful when I used it to cover the candles from the blew of the wind. The weird thing, the candle that my sister found in the ground didn’t die despite the wind blew strongly and it melts quickly too.

When the candles are already so small, we left I would like to wait until they were done but my mother says it is getting late and we have to go. We went directly to old town to drive around, but it is empty and the shops are closed.

At home, at six o’clock my mother lit candles around the house which made me disappointed for not waiting for me since I am in the bathroom. I took two candles and lit them myself they were for my cats, grandfather maternal side and someone I was not able to meet, my cat stays with me while I am waiting for the candles to melt and when I talked with him, he always replied with a different sound from other cats. It was windy outside but the candles didn’t die even once.

During the day before heading to the cemetery, a black butterfly with purple spots keep flying in front of me, it is maybe someone I know, visiting me.

Today is the first Sunday of the month so the church service started at 7:00 am, I have only sleep 3 hours but it didn’t stop me from waking up and getting ready for church. I was not able to sleep because thoughts are kept running on my mind and our pet dog keeps barking all night, he is restless too.

November is thanksgiving month and the scripture topic for this Sunday is Stimulants for Thanksgiving, we have three ways to give thanks and appreciate the blessings around us, which are by looking out, looking in and looking up.

On looking out there are three B’s, these are the beautiful scenery, broken sinners and bountiful supply.  By looking around us and seeing God’s beautiful creation is one way to appreciate the things we should be thankful, we also should be thankful that God forgave our sins and give us a chance to do what is right and He never let us run out of supply and starved on our daily lives.

Through looking in to ourselves, on our inward being God gave us new position, our new self and new peace.  With our new self, we should know that our old self has gone and the new has begun and new peace because we are always with God wherever we will go.  And by looking up, we are going to see a pleading Christ, Powerful Christ and Perception. We should stimulate each other and appreciate what the Lord has done in our lives, we should always be thankful; either we received small or big blessings.

It is a fact that there are times we forgot to appreciate things around us; we forgot to be thankful especially when a trial came to our lives. These trials are God’s way to mould us a stronger person and to test our faith.

[ Tagged In ] Giving Thanks, Thanksgiving

It was such a boring day yesterday, the silence was screaming at me.  I sleep the whole day again and I didn’t mind if I am sweating from the hot weather.  We’re told by our mother not to run the electric fan during the day so we could save money on paying less electric bill monthly. We just received the electric bill for the month and it is high than normal and we have to pay losses too which is disappointing.

Well, they called me crazy when I just screamed out of frustration, I was so depressed and I felt like doing something non-stop.  I have told them to turn on the DVD player and put non-English songs since it will be better for me if I can’t understand nor digest the lyrics. It was ironic because before I always told them to play English songs and I hate listening to the K-pop songs they downloaded online.

They went to town last night to buy bread for dinner and I tagged along to get some fresh air because it feels like my heart is stuck in my throat, yeah right we had coffee and bread for dinner and I guess it doesn’t help me because I wake up with a headache. Since I have nothing else to do today, I decided to dust around and clean the floor, and when I get up my surrounding is turning around and it is pitch black.  I thought for a minute I am going to lose consciousness but I manage to close my eyes and stand firm in the ground.

It is almost lunch time and we didn’t ate lunch yet,  we decided to prepare sauteed sardines in can for lunch so I’ve picked camote tops beside our house and my mother picked some in our grandmother’s backyard while my sister went to the hill to get raw papaya.

A popular food establishment is going to open in our town, first one in the province. They currently hiring for staff with the age limit of 18-22, my sister tried to submit a resume but she exceeded the age limit so she informed some distant cousins and neighbors that were younger to try their luck. So last night, I was startled why my family is sitting in our porch, it turns out two distant cousins in different level came to have their resume created since we accept encoding jobs, I end up creating the resumes since my sister think I can do it better.

Before that, in the afternoon one of our male older cousin informed my sister that a shipping company is looking for an office staff to do booking and printing of ferry tickets, but it turns out they need a male employee. After a while my sister was surprised when someone came to our house and wanted to learn on how to use a computer and printing, maybe he was told of hiring news and wanted to apply for the job. My sister declined because it isn’t easy to teach someone in just a few hours how to use a computer in instant, well she is right I have classmates in college who still doesn’t know how to operate a computer while we are already graduating students that time. LOL

My family informed one of our very distant cousins who came to have his resume created to apply for the opening in the shipping company since he graduated college and  he is computer literate too. You might wondering, in Philippines especially in rural areas, all the people living around the neighborhood are related on different level of bloodline and sometimes it stretch up to 1-3 kilometers that there is blood connection.

Today is wider mission Sunday and it is the 4th Sunday I went to church to attend the service and it is the third time I have to wear eye glasses when going to church because I can’t see well from the distance.

The service started with praise and worship, I don’t know what have come to me but I was thankful that I am alive. The scriptural topic is about commitment again, when we heard commitment we always imagined a wedding, where two people are being committed to each other through thick and thin, and until death do they part, but our pastor also give an example how an athlete being committed on practicing every morning without fail. How about you? Are you committed? Do you know how to honor a commitment or do you turn your back the moment a trial came?

[Image courtesy of Maciej A. Czyzewski/en.wikipedia.org]

Remember, that when you are committed to serve the Lord, whatever trials may come you are strong and will not be shaken because His Love is our strength. We must remember that God challenged us to focus and we must commit to His works to be done on His ways.

To love is to sacrifice, when we love someone we must be willing to sacrifice and honor thy commitment, we must be dedicated and loyal. If we love God, we are willing to sacrifice our time for Him, Sunday is for God’s glory.

The weather isn’t nice today it is very gloomy maybe because of the typhoon. I am not still feeling well too but it didn’t stop me from waking up early and taking a bath. I need to hold on so I can live; this Sunday is Women’s Sunday so the scriptural topic is about women, and how God uses women for the victory of Israel.

We remember women’s faith, strong amid challenges.

The speaker for today is our Pastor’s wife, she said it was her first time to speak in front of congregation but I think she did well. I was touched and blessed many times on her messages; I am able to digest a lot of after thoughts.

God knocked to us when we are wandering away to wake us up, we are not given problems we cannot overcome and problems are God’s way for us to seek Him. Our prayers will be answered on His time just few of the messages I can recall. I have a lot of troubles, I am weary and what is making me to stand is my hope and my faith that everything will be fine in God’s perfect time.

Going to church after three consecutive Sundays, I am slowly becoming comfortable with people’s presence. I am now able to look around and smile to the older women I’ve seen in the church unlike the first time I can’t do it. Being embarrassed to go to church after a long time was also the reason why I didn’t go to church for a long period, and I have overcome that embarrassment when one morning I decided to go, that was the time I cannot carry all my burdens anymore and my heart is overflowing with sadness. I am now learning to feel comfortable with people, I hope slowly I will be able to gain confidence.

Nobody know what am I going through except my family. A cousin asked me why I am not leaving the country yet, my replied “It is more fun in our town” my family knew it because I can’t hide it from them when I started crying out loud like someone died, well my heart dies.

Well, after church and lunch at home I went back to bed and I have been sleeping all day.

Today seems just like a normal day, making myself busy in front of my laptop updating my remaining blogs when a phone ring in the room, I took it and just look at the number flashing in the screen, behind me is my mother who also run to see who’s calling, she grabbed the phone in my hands when I am not answering it. All I have heard a young lady is looking for me and then the call ended, the phone has a low battery.  My mother immediately plugged it and gave the phone to me when it rings again but since I don’t know what to do she received the call and give it back to me but the call ended again, there is no signal.

My mother and sister scolded me for acting weird and not answering the phone call right away, I told them I don’t know how the phone works, I don’t know how to unlock it which they didn’t believed because I am able to open it when it receives text notification from the shopping portal when I bought my tablet.  Well, I did unlock the phone that time after many tries and it took me long time to do it.

Honestly, when I heard the phone rang I felt nervous and disturb, my body felt numb and I felt so anxious and I have thought many things why someone is looking for me, does something happened?  Yes, this is what I feel every time I heard a phone rang or my phone rang and I don’t know who’s on the other line.  I believed I have a phobia receiving calls from unknown callers, it all started when I am still working in a business establishment and I received a lot of phone calls from angry customers asking why there is no internet connection and looking for the technicians. It wasn’t a nice experience because the phone didn’t stop on ringing for I guess week, it is a call after another. It came to a point where I don’t like hearing the phone rang at work nor answering it. It’s been a long year but I still felt anxious when I heard a phone ringing.

Aside from calls some customers were really rude that time when they pay a visit, when it wasn’t my job facing them or give in to their request.  Now, I’ve realized how I have fear of interacting with people and I don’t like speaking to one, I would rather buy a new item than return something I bought wrong. I was so scared to be rejected and be treated unfairly because all my life I have been treated unfairly I guess I have a social phobia.

The caller called again many times because of the static connection and as what I have heard, she can’t hear me on the other line too.  My sister told me many times to speak loudly but I said I am speaking loudly, she said I am not it sounds like I am speaking to myself. Maybe because I still felt so anxious and my nerves are still panicking because of the phone call.

Anyway, it was verification from a shopping portal.  The shopping portal send a code for my birthday they said so I can treat myself to something pretty and I have used it so they called for verification for the payment method I used.

My nerves didn’t calm right away, I was so disturb and felt so intense.  Looking online I have realized I was really scarred individual, I have a lot of wounds and fear.  It seems I really develop a phobia in phone calls and people because according to a website a phobia is an overwhelming and unreasonable fear of an object or situation that poses little real danger but provokes anxiety and avoidance. Unlike the brief anxiety most people feel when they give a speech or take a test, a phobia is long lasting, causes intense physical and psychological reactions, and can affect your ability to function normally at work or in social settings.

Overcoming this fear will require a lot of effort on my side; I am so down and in the lowest feeling of my life. I hit the rock bottom recently and I am not yet recovering, but nobody will help me to overcome this but myself.  The first step to overcome my fear and anxiety is to understand it, and not to be scared when it occurs.