The weather isn’t nice today it is very gloomy maybe because of the typhoon. I am not still feeling well too but it didn’t stop me from waking up early and taking a bath. I need to hold on so I can live; this Sunday is Women’s Sunday so the scriptural topic is about women, and how God uses women for the victory of Israel.

We remember women’s faith, strong amid challenges.

The speaker for today is our Pastor’s wife, she said it was her first time to speak in front of congregation but I think she did well. I was touched and blessed many times on her messages; I am able to digest a lot of after thoughts.

God knocked to us when we are wandering away to wake us up, we are not given problems we cannot overcome and problems are God’s way for us to seek Him. Our prayers will be answered on His time just few of the messages I can recall. I have a lot of troubles, I am weary and what is making me to stand is my hope and my faith that everything will be fine in God’s perfect time.

Going to church after three consecutive Sundays, I am slowly becoming comfortable with people’s presence. I am now able to look around and smile to the older women I’ve seen in the church unlike the first time I can’t do it. Being embarrassed to go to church after a long time was also the reason why I didn’t go to church for a long period, and I have overcome that embarrassment when one morning I decided to go, that was the time I cannot carry all my burdens anymore and my heart is overflowing with sadness. I am now learning to feel comfortable with people, I hope slowly I will be able to gain confidence.

Nobody know what am I going through except my family. A cousin asked me why I am not leaving the country yet, my replied “It is more fun in our town” my family knew it because I can’t hide it from them when I started crying out loud like someone died, well my heart dies.

Well, after church and lunch at home I went back to bed and I have been sleeping all day.

Today seems just like a normal day, making myself busy in front of my laptop updating my remaining blogs when a phone ring in the room, I took it and just look at the number flashing in the screen, behind me is my mother who also run to see who’s calling, she grabbed the phone in my hands when I am not answering it. All I have heard a young lady is looking for me and then the call ended, the phone has a low battery.  My mother immediately plugged it and gave the phone to me when it rings again but since I don’t know what to do she received the call and give it back to me but the call ended again, there is no signal.

My mother and sister scolded me for acting weird and not answering the phone call right away, I told them I don’t know how the phone works, I don’t know how to unlock it which they didn’t believed because I am able to open it when it receives text notification from the shopping portal when I bought my tablet.  Well, I did unlock the phone that time after many tries and it took me long time to do it.

Honestly, when I heard the phone rang I felt nervous and disturb, my body felt numb and I felt so anxious and I have thought many things why someone is looking for me, does something happened?  Yes, this is what I feel every time I heard a phone rang or my phone rang and I don’t know who’s on the other line.  I believed I have a phobia receiving calls from unknown callers, it all started when I am still working in a business establishment and I received a lot of phone calls from angry customers asking why there is no internet connection and looking for the technicians. It wasn’t a nice experience because the phone didn’t stop on ringing for I guess week, it is a call after another. It came to a point where I don’t like hearing the phone rang at work nor answering it. It’s been a long year but I still felt anxious when I heard a phone ringing.

Aside from calls some customers were really rude that time when they pay a visit, when it wasn’t my job facing them or give in to their request.  Now, I’ve realized how I have fear of interacting with people and I don’t like speaking to one, I would rather buy a new item than return something I bought wrong. I was so scared to be rejected and be treated unfairly because all my life I have been treated unfairly I guess I have a social phobia.

The caller called again many times because of the static connection and as what I have heard, she can’t hear me on the other line too.  My sister told me many times to speak loudly but I said I am speaking loudly, she said I am not it sounds like I am speaking to myself. Maybe because I still felt so anxious and my nerves are still panicking because of the phone call.

Anyway, it was verification from a shopping portal.  The shopping portal send a code for my birthday they said so I can treat myself to something pretty and I have used it so they called for verification for the payment method I used.

My nerves didn’t calm right away, I was so disturb and felt so intense.  Looking online I have realized I was really scarred individual, I have a lot of wounds and fear.  It seems I really develop a phobia in phone calls and people because according to a website a phobia is an overwhelming and unreasonable fear of an object or situation that poses little real danger but provokes anxiety and avoidance. Unlike the brief anxiety most people feel when they give a speech or take a test, a phobia is long lasting, causes intense physical and psychological reactions, and can affect your ability to function normally at work or in social settings.

Overcoming this fear will require a lot of effort on my side; I am so down and in the lowest feeling of my life. I hit the rock bottom recently and I am not yet recovering, but nobody will help me to overcome this but myself.  The first step to overcome my fear and anxiety is to understand it, and not to be scared when it occurs.