It was almost twelve years ago when I last set foot in the university after I earned my Bachelor’s degree. When my world turn upside down, my parents push me return to the university to earn educational units, so I can teach if ever I passed the teacher’s board examination, but I keep on declining. I wasn’t too outgoing then and I am a little anxious to see new people and meet my college instructors again.

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The decision of not following my parents and being irritated to my father every time he told me to go back to school, made me regret it. What could have been if go back to school three years ago? I wasted three years of my life, being comfortable inside the four walls of our home and hiding from the world. Well, after almost three years, I am back to the university which almost didn’t materialize because I have to go home to Tarlac City, to look after my sick grandma, but as lucky as I was, we arrived back home just right for the last week of enrollment.

Anyway, to cut the story short, I am now back at the university earning educational units. The classes started last week, but it was cut short because of the Provincial Meet because the rooms will be used by the provincial athletes. We have two days and a week off, today I should be studying and reviewing after receiving the online details of the review materials, but I am dilly dallying, I can’t just focus on the lessons and a friend came to copy Korean drama series today, my mother and sis had a collection of them.

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During our first day of class as unit earner, we usually introduce ourselves to each other and what made us to earn an educational unit, like what I have said in class there are a lot of factors that pushes me and made me decide to attend school again, just a few of them, it was around July last year when I attended a training for Tourist Promotion Services and most of my classmates were education graduates who told me I can be a good teacher, well what did I do? Aside from being the group’s main reporter, I just stole our trainer’s teaching time by teaching my classmates how to earn from blogging (lmao). Well, he allowed me and he is even amused of me teaching (I think, hahaha). And then I have to teach for the first time for Operation Christmas Child as a volunteer teacher, we have the training early of 2018, after a few months the boxes arrived so teaching/sharing the Gospel started afterwards. That is when, I have realized, I have the passion to teach contrary to what I have said to my father that I don’t have a  talent in teaching. If I remember too, I once played a role as a teacher to my younger sis and distant cousins when we are kids.

Honestly, you know what, it was a good thing that one of my instructors in college wasn’t around the university anymore, because I have told him before I will not teach, after he told me to wait until I become a teacher after correcting or telling him what to do while he is giving us a lesson (ok I am so bad), because if he is still around teaching and he remember what I have told him, I will be really embarrassed.

Anyway, earning educational unit will not make me a teacher right away. I have to pass the Teacher’s Licensure Exam which I am too anxious of doing. Good luck to me, to us!

These past few days, I spend most of my time reading true ghost stories and sleeping, yep, I am back to my old habit of reading supernatural stories and reading my day to day horoscope. I have been away for a few months, so I was overwhelmed of many stories to read online. To those who don’t know me yet, my likes are contradicting to each other. I believe in compassion and caring with other people, but I love mystery thriller/suspense and dark themes in movies/books. I have a different mindset and I have sensitivity in me, I can feel other people’s emotions and it is killing me because it seems I can read a bit what is on their mind or feel their emotions at that moment, I think it was one of the reasons why I have social anxiety.

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Hence, I already knew what other people’s feeling before they can even speak and to those who know me well, they knew that I seldom stay still, be serious and looked into people faces when conversing because I knew when they are impress or not despite their smiling faces, which actually most of the time irritates my family, they asked me to stop  doing it, which is I am trying to do recently, part of it I think is being shy and not being confident.

Honestly, there are times I can foresee things without knowing it, before J and I parted ways. I have already feel what would happen and what is the six months of travel all about, he actually got pissed off of me taking a lot of photos a few hours before our departing flight, even saying, I act weird that as if we are not going to see each other anymore, and yep we didn’t anymore.

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Just like what happened a few days ago, I have already felt it (me being restless) and I already expected what will happen, but I resisted and waited for a friend to speak up. Anyway, I woke up in a wrong side of bed today where the black hole is eating me up again. It was like I went back to my old self feeling blue, but when I accidentally got a long cut in my upper arm early in the morning from a protruding wire, I have returned into my senses that I am still alive and my cut is painful. 😭

Today, I am trying to do some focus and do some blogging chores I have not been doing since I live in my made-up world.  You know what, I wished, I can tell everyone that there are just times I don’t feel like talking or responding to messages, which is rude to other people, but this is me finding solitude and peace within myself (re: my unread and not responded messages/comments from friends and tourism classmates).

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Well, RBM will do some falls hunting out of town on Sunday, but unfortunately I can’t go with them because it is Thanksgiving Sunday on November 25th, priorities matters and don’t know if I can do some hiking again when I have class schedule on weekends too.

My mother woke me up at the middle of the night because she said she can’t sleep (too much sugar again before bed time), so am I too. I have a dream last night, I remember it after waking up, but as much as I want to remember it right now, I can’t.  All I remember, I am crying that when I woke up my eyes has tears on them. :/

Well, It is still a few months before Valentine’s Day and here I am writing about love and relationships under the series of The Story of Us. It was my dream to be a pocketbook writer growing up, and being in school again my creative mind became restless. I am recently writing a sad short love story about an ill-fated couple who fell in love in a wrong time and in a complicated situation, inspired through someone’s life and the first story under this series.  It was such a pity and disheartening that my emotions can relate, I initially titled the story as “Borrowed Love, Borrowed Time” yesterday but eventually I wasn’t able to finish writing it because my mind is so weary, that I just created a plot.

The woman in the story decided to let go, and do the right thing. It was a saddening decision she made, but it was the bravest decision she ever made and later on the story her indecisiveness takes place, asking herself if she really did the right thing.

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Many women, deals with anxiety everyday.  It was said that women with OCD report that their obsessions more often center around cleaning, I have been there or still currently there and as much as I want, I don’t want to experience it big time again and to someone to experience it as well, and to include it in the story I am writing it is mind boggling eh.

Anyway, on the later part of the story the woman questioned everything.  Should she really feel sad about it, should she really grieved? What if the guy in the story was just just playing around, what if it is all a game that she unknowingly become a victim? It wasn’t the first time the guy uses the same excuse, should she really fall for it?

Well, that was just a glimpse of the story I am writing and I am really not sure if I am able to finish it. I have found this video online and I find it suitable as the background of the story (lol). Anyway, I have so many stories way back decades ago that remained unfinished until now, procrastination and writers blocked always took place. Wish me luck to be able to write again and finish this story, but it bothers me if I should I write a good or sad ending?

A day before our  scheduled trip back home, we are fetched by an uncle to visit an aunt’s house in a subdivision.  He initially told us that he well fetches us at eight o’clock in the morning, but it was almost lunch time when he came, it turns out he was too drunk to wake up early.

When we arrived at my aunt’s house, lunch was already waiting for us. My mother who is already so hungry dig in immediately (lol), I took my time taking pictures than eating lunch, hence I am a bit full and I really don’t have a strong appetite to eat the past few days.

Well, after lunch we scan a bit inside my aunt’s house and see her precious Persians cats who are so untamed so I am only able to take photo of one of them.  My aunt has so many cats,  both with the breed and not. It turns out, we are both “kitten picker” I mean we are both animal lovers and we both picked abandon kitten from the street. She has more than 10 cats to date, all neutered. My father even blurted out, now he knew where I got the attitude of being a kitten lover.  I showed her the pictures of my cats and my aunt almost buy me a Persian cat from her friend, but unfortunately her friend wasn’t around when we went to their house, they are currently in Manila for a visit.

Since, we’ve been talking about visiting the infamous monastery in Tarlac, we decided to head up there after my younger uncle came, he is just a year older to me and I remember being scolded by him when we are still kids, when I didn’t wait for him after school and I went home with the neighboring kids, it turns out he look hard for me that time.

It was a good thing too, my aunt German husband woke up, so she is able to ask permission that we are going to the monastery for a short period of time. As a PH custom, I have to do “mano po” gesture to my foreigner uncle whom I just met. My aunt introduces me and says my husband was an “Australian” which I corrected three times since she mentioned it three times as well, dunno what they were talking because I can’t understand German language at all.

Where does the time go? It was been almost three weeks since my last update over here, a lot of things had happened. They were just like dreams to me, it was a whirlwind of emotions. I wanted to cry, but there was no tears falling from my eyes, I wanted to laugh, but then guilt is eating me up.

Days before my grandma rushed to the hospital, my mother dreamed of her and my dead grandpa, she was asked to go home to Tarlac and a cousin wants to tag with her. It never occurred to us, what was the meaning of it, our grandma was doing fine when my family called, but then one fine day, we are told my grandma was rushed to the hospital and we are told by my aunts to go home to Tarlac immediately, because my grandma is gravely ill, we thought they were just kidding because we can still talk to her on the phone, her speech didn’t slur after her stroke. Even so, we immediately packed our bags and leave, because we are worried that no one will look after her in the hospital since my aunts weren’t able to do so.

Arriving in Tarlac, we wondered why she was released from the hospital three days after she was rushed when she can’t move a muscle yet from her paralyzed body, my aunts didn’t say anything. Seeing her CT scan, she was indeed serious, but you can’t see it through her, she ate and drink a lot, so I became comfortable that we still have long days to be together.

God has different plans, grandma died, a few days since she was released from the hospital. I have thought I can look after her for a very long time, . If I only knew, she will be gone soon I have been more lenient to the things she has asked, like wearing the shorts she bought for me, she had told me many times to wear it, but I keep saying I will wear it in another time, I should just wear it even it is too tight and small just to see her happy. She wanted cold water, but I told her not to, she wanted to take a medicine she was taking before her stroke, but I declined her request no matter how she whimpers, because I was just scared she will get sick even more if she took a medicine that was not prescribed to her. She wanted to drink cold sprite, but I didn’t give it to her right away, she has been asking for coffee, but I never give it to her not until the early morning before she died. I never had a chance to have a photo with her while she was in bed and alive, because I thought she can survive and we can live together normally.  If I only knew, I could be more compassionate towards her and didn’t even told her a joke that I am leaving her alone because she was too loud, I wish I have shown more love and kiss her often, I wish I have made her remaining life happier than disappointed for not following her last request of affection.

A friend had told me, maybe my grandma just waited to see us. Indeed, regrets are very painful, I am not able to forgive myself, but my grandma was very understanding like she was when she was still alive, the night of her first wake, a frog came out of nowhere and climb in the window just to jump below and vanish right before my eyes. I have to find the meaning and symbolism of the frog online and reading it, make me feel better, another frog came right before my eyes on her third wake when I am feeling down, didn’t see it go in, but I saw her going out below, just right in the corner of her coffin.  It was like my grandma was talking to me, to free myself from guilt and be happy.

Guess what? A few days after my grandma was released to the hospital, she told us that the family who live in our backyard, berated her after she told them that what they did is wrong, extending their house and getting more land from us and she was heated up with the conversation that maybe trigger her stroke.

My mother’s dream came to light after my grandma’s stroke attack and knowing that my cousin’s uncle died too, that her father have to travel to neighboring province as well to attend the funeral and burial. It was like a precognitive dream…

Many people are so busy with their day to day activities that they couldn’t take care of their older loved ones, and with these caregivers fill these gaps. It was only lately, I realized how hard is care giving job, since I arrived in Tarlac, I have no proper meal for a few days and no proper sleep until today. Whereas, my sister keeps teasing me that I will lose weight in no time.

My grandmother is like a little baby, asleep during the day and in full battery during the evening, she won’t let me sleep, she keeps whimpering and waking me up all night until early morning.  It stresses and depresses me out, I became too sensitive, emotionally dependent and it is becoming toxic feeling that I have to let go of everything with my online/blogging friends, the friendship, the laughter and the connections.

Yes, I decided to let go of my online world. I have realized it wasn’t becoming healthy, I am being emotionally dependent and I am forgetting my real world, I am forgetting I have to live outside and not in the internet, where everything is superficial and mostly fake according to a friend.

Update:

I wasn’t able to let go of my online world, so here am I blogging again and writing into  my hearts content.

Cooking is one of the things I enjoyed the most, I cooked with passion that I can’t leave the food I am cooking even for a few minutes in my mother’s irritation. LMAO

Anyway, I have been cooking for a few days already, and it was only today I decided to share what I have cooked. Contrary to what is normal, where sinigang is usually a pork, I have cooked Sinigang na Tilapia in real raw tamarind fruit today.

Sinigang is a Filipino soup or stew characterized by its sour and savory taste most often associated with tamarind. It is one of the more popular viands in Filipino cuisine, and is related to the Malaysian dish singgang. Wikipedia

It was yesterday, when my sister complained that it was hard for her to bath my dog. It turns out Jae Hwan doesn’t want to be bathed and today, she messages again that my dog isn’t eating. With this, I told her to call me in IMO when she came home from work late afternoon and let Jae Hwan see me, and let me see Whitey (my cat) too.

When, I was told that my dog doesn’t want to eat. I feel anxious because the first time I move out the house and went to Korea, all my cats died like they have missed me.  I have read somewhere that pets feel sad and depressed when they can’t see their human anymore, they grieved silently. I made sure when I left Odiongan a few days ago to informed Whitey that I will leave, but will be returning to them, while didn’t really tell Jae Hwan where am I going, I just told her to stay.

As told, my sister called early in the evening with Jae Hwan in tow. She moves a lot whenever I called out her name and keeps hiding in my sister’s back, don’t know what my dog is thinking.  Is she hated me or she just don’t want to see me because I didn’t tell her where am I going or if I am returning home. Meanwhile, Whitey, is more obedient, when you called her name she will keep looking at me with her two big eyes.

My guilt of leaving my pets behind is eating me up, my grandmother has two cats, but they are not the same pets I have at home, when I saw Jae Hwan and Whitey I have the thought of wanting to go home.

Today, will be my fourth day in Tarlac.  A lot of things have changed in these four days, I think I have lived a good life way back in Odiongan, where all I have to do is clean, washed my own clothes, water the orchids and look after my pets.

Right now, I have to do many things, I have to clean, cooked, washed, fetch water in a deep well, look after my grandma and etc. I can’t even enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning today, nor have a good night’s sleep, the moment I woke up, I have to keep moving until lunch, rested a bit and prepare for dinner. I am not complaining, I am just overwhelmed hence it returns me to the old days, when my younger sister is too young to do anything at home.

Guess what? I have wished before to live alone but not in this way, I literally went out of my comfort zone on my 32nd birthday, if before I just stayed home and not be bothered with other people. Today, I have to smile, talk and asked for help when needed. Yes, I can’t be a snob anymore and just look around, I have to be outgoing and learn how to mingle with other people, I can’t just be silent anymore and hide all the time.

My 32nd birthday brought a lot of changes into my life.  What is ironic, into my 32nd birthday, I have returned to the hospital where I was born. They said when you are returning from where you started, it means your life is nearing to the end.

It was early this year when I volunteered to be a teacher for Operation Christmas Child, we had a training around March and it was around last week of September when we started sharing the gospel with young kids after they received the shoe boxes from Samaritan’s Purse.

One hundred kids were blessed,  but just how Jesus cleansed the ten lepers where only one Samaritan returned to give thanks  (Luke 17:11-19), only a few kids aging 7 years old up, returned to learn the gospel.  It was disappointing, it made you think if what is happening, do Filipinos were really this ungrateful?

Oh well, who I am to judge. Maybe they are also thankful, but not thankful enough to attend a few hours of bible lessons, maybe they are just too busy at home, maybe they just can’t go for personal reasons or maybe they thought they would not be able to learn from me, but classes were divided into three zones, and there are also only a few kids who attended the bible classes in the two other zones.

Anyway,  this is my first time teaching kids and I was a bit anxious what approached should I use, should I be strict or friendly?  When you started teaching young kids, I realized your teaching technique naturally flows, your compassion and patience takes place.