Days seems goes by so quickly, it feels like it was only Sunday the other day and it is already Sunday today. Today is Pastor’s Sunday and unlike those previous Sundays I sit in the front today beside my grandmother so I could hear and understand the sermon. The preacher wasn’t our Pastor but one of the church well-known member (L), I think she was previously a church president.

The scriptural topic topic was “Courage to Continue” and it can be found in the book of Haggai 2:1-9,  our preacher for today started by giving definition of some words and  telling a story of a well-known writer for being fearful of his family’s future because he think he isn’t giving them the best things that others can provide.  I have learn from our Sunday’s preacher that Haggai is the portion of the Bible where the people became contented in their home and forget about the temple, they become busy living that they forgot God.

Why We are Discourage?

The preacher says the first reason why we are discourage because of insecurity, we compare ourselves to others and we always think that other people are better than we are, secondly we felt insignificant that we are not needed, we felt useless, thirdly we felt unaccepted like we do not belong, we are an outcast and nobody loves us and understood us.  It was indeed true because that’s what I felt, I felt all of them when I was dropped like a hot potato, I felt so discourage that I felt like I have no space in this world.

How to Find Encouragement

We can find encouragement through groups like friends, through getting achievements like masters degree, promotions and etc. and by boosting ourselves and raising our voices but all these encouragement mentioned above are leading to nothing but to camouflage our insecurities in life.

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We slept late last night but I have to wake up early so I can attend Christmas service because it was scheduled early. The church is full than normal, wasn’t able to understand the sermon because some people are too noisy, this is what I hate sitting at the back. My sister initially suggested we should seat in the front but I didn’t agree with it because I am wearing a dress for the first time in church and just a small mistake on my seating position, the universe will say hello.

The scriptural topic is about “Accepting Christ”, when the short service ended, candies and cash were given to small kids and then groceries to grandparents.

Some of the relatives who were not able to go in our house last night dropped by, there is still left over spaghetti and purple yum, my sister just reheat the sauce so it is warm. Gladly, I have a few small bills too because small kids came over to ask for Christmas gift, it was quite embarrassing if I am not able to hand any amount since they were with an adult. I wrapped notebook for a neighbour kid since she cried a lot last year and won’t accept cash when she saw the gifts under our Christmas tree intended for my Godchildren. Our relatives stay a bit longer after meal and we just have conversation about their babies because while they’re eating we look after them. My younger cousin’s youngest baby has an eye problem; he was diagnosed blind by a doctor when his eyes didn’t blink after lighting up a medical flashlight on them. When we first heard about it, we have asked if the light in their bedroom was very bright, and indeed it was so they started putting a bath towel in the mosquito net to block the light, the baby improves a bit since then, looking after the baby we noticed he can see a bit because his eyes follows us when we move, like when I seated behind his head he rolled his eyes up, and he smiled and cooed a lot when you talk with him too, my aunt informed us that her daughter doesn’t know how to talked with the baby, breastfeeding him is enough for the mother and while we are talking my older cousin G’s wife came over with her two kids and everyone had so much fun with lot of kids around but when our relatives left our house I felt empty and that’s where depression ate me, eating at the Christmas table feasting at the leftover food I can’t control myself and broke to tears, I have asked my mother what will happen to me now. Am I going to live like this until I grow old? Am I going to be forever alone? My sister blurted out that she’s around to look after me, then my mother told me that’s why I should not treat my sister badly if I don’t want to grow old alone because she will be the only person I can rely on when time comes…

Well, we’ve watched a Korean variety show “Running Man” which my sister downloaded online while resting but I fall asleep without my knowing after being exhausted with my feelings and when I wake up it is almost evening.

Christmas is a season of love, peace and giving. Initially I didn’t plan anything for Christmas but I have realized I am going to be selfish among the people around me, among my God children’s, it feels like I am going to rob their happiness without handling them presents on Christmas day so within last minute I wrapped small things for them and put them under a small tree that I bought in South Korea during Christmas time just to add Christmas feeling inside our apartment. We have no tree because I have told my family not to decorate a Christmas tree since I don’t feel like celebrating. You know why? I felt jinx because it was only last year that I have seen a real Christmas tree decoration in our home, growing up we just used fortune plant as Christmas tree, hanging those worn-out decors.

Cooking something for Christmas wasn’t really in my vocabulary too but my family cooked “pork stew”, they said at least we can all eat good viand on Christmas eve.  An older female cousin came to our home a few hours before Christmas eve saying they will dropped by in our home tonight, we told her we have nothing in our Christmas table then she suggested to have rice cakes and she can cook it if we provide the sticky rice, sugar and coconut. That’s where I felt obliged to shell out my $10 savings for spaghetti so we could offer other food than pork soup on Christmas eve.